Why You Should Embrace Awkward Pauses In Conversation [like a Swede]
It’s excruciating.
You’re at a dinner party. People are telling funny and engaging stories, and the chatter is generally lively.
And then silence. Absolute, and complete silence. The type of silence where you can hear other people’s breathing.
Everyone just sits there. No one, absolutely no one making a peep
As the seconds tick by, you start to feel the itch. You want to say something, anything, to break the silence. You want to make it stop.
And then it happens.
You start blabbing about your breakup in harrowing detail, and everyone present dies a little inside.
Silence: A Swedish Salesperson’s Secret Weapon
“Silence is only frightening to people who are compulsively verbalizing.” ― William S. Burroughs, The Job: Interviews with William S. Burroughs
We’ve all been there. We’ve learned that silence in conversation is uncomfortable, undesirable.
When silence comes, we lost the game. People lost interest, and we need to regain that interest by any means necessary — even if it means speaking before thinking.
That’s not how the Swedes see it.
For many Swedes, silence is a natural component of communication. It is perfectly normal for two co-workers to exchange a few lines of conversation, then sit down and have lunch in silence.
Two best friends having a coffee together can be silent, taking a few minutes to feel the (normally nonexistent) sunlight coming through the coffee shop window.
I work in sales here in Stockholm, and day after day I see how my Swedish colleagues use silence to close more deals.
When a potential customer calls, they pick up the phone and ask “Why did you get in touch today?”
Then they sit back and shut up.
The potential customer gets nervous. They can’t handle the silence, so they get chatty. They expect an interruption, but they don’t get one. They’re now comfortable, only needing a few “mhms” and “ahas” to egg them on.
When the potential customer has said all they can, the salesperson shows they’ve been listening by asking follow-up questions.
- “So you mentioned you were having trouble bringing in people to your business. Why could that be?”
- “If I heard correctly, you think your staff may be dissatisfied. Why do you think that is?
Letting the prospect speak and asking follow-up questions leads to one thing: a clear roadmap for how to sell to that prospect.
Simple and effective.
You think to yourself that you can’t do it. You cringe at the idea of silence. There’s just no way you’ll ever be comfortable with those awkward pauses in conversation.
I thought the same too.
Silence gives you time to think, so you can ask effective follow-up questions
“I don’t think…” then you shouldn’t talk, said the Hatter.” ― Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
Imagine you just got your dream job, and are sharing the news with your best friend. Would you rather hear a “Yeah that’s cool!” or “That remote work policy sounds great! Have you set up your home office yet?”
When you process what someone’s told you ask follow-up questions, the other person feels heard. Their experience is being validated.
Like my colleagues in sales, The Swedes use silence to listen carefully, process the information, and ask great follow-up questions. After a few seconds of silence, a Swede might ask “Giancarlo, you mentioned a while back you’re now starting a writing career. Why is that?”
Use this silent intermission to gather your thoughts and ask engaging follow-up questions.
Silence makes you a better listener
“Open your mouth only if what you are going to say is more beautiful than the silence.” — Spanish Proverb
There’s always that one person that can’t stop talking. You know the type.
You’re not sure if you’re in a conversation or at a lecture. You try your best to take it all in, but it’s just so much. You start zoning out, and before long you’ve lost the thread of conversation.
Sensing they’re losing their audience, they think that maybe it’s the right time to retell the story about their drunken adventure in Cancun 10 years ago.
It’s not.
It’s a vicious cycle. The speaker senses the group is losing interest, so they keep on talking. Everyone else zones out as they can’t even get a word in. The speaker is frustrated nobody is paying attention, and the others feel like props in a play starring the speaker.
Everyone loses.
The Swedes use silence to break the cycle. In my experience, you’ll seldom see a Swede speak for more than a few minutes. After they’ve said their piece, everyone will go quiet and nod for about 4–5 seconds. Then, it’s someone else’s turn.
Pausing and being silent is a way to open up the speaking floor. It’s a chance for others to join in without needing to fight for a spot.
It’s also a way to unburden yourself, and others, from their thoughts.
Have you ever tried holding a thought in your head for so long that you forget to listen? This could be the joke of the century or a witty rebuttal to someone’s argument. The only way you’re going to listen to others again is if you get to say it.
Use pauses in conversation to do so. Unload your thoughts, so you can get back to listening mode.
Silence helps us create real connections, even as adults
“You have a grand gift for silence, Watson. It makes you quite invaluable as a companion.” ― Arthur Conan Doyle, The Complete Sherlock Holmes
When you and your best friend sat in class all those years ago, you looked at each other and snickered. Nothing was said, but you knew exactly what they meant.
You vibed. You “got” each other. You had an emotional connection that went beyond words.
Sure you might have tried wowing them with your new gaming console from time to time, but none of that really mattered.
As adults, this sort of stuff does matter. Our lives become entangled in a web of responsibilities and desires best described by the scientific term “adulting.” Meeting new people is already tough enough, and when we try to make new friends, we try to impress and not connect.
The Swedes use the silent pauses in conversation to be kids again, to connect instead of impress.
After some lively chatter, they start nodding and smiling at each other in silent agreement that they are among true friends. If the tone was more somber, they express their solidarity with pats on the back or eyes of encouragement.
93% of communication is nonverbal. Silent pauses let us tap into the lost art of vibing with people, and help us make new social connections well into adulthood.
Final Thoughts
We’ve been taught to hate silence. We’ve been conditioned to break the silence at all costs. We associate silence with social failure.
In Sweden, silence is coveted. Silence is the key to being a better conversationalist. Silence makes people feel heard, makes us better listeners, and helps us connect with others emotionally.
Why should you embrace the so-called “awkward” silence?
- You’ll be more interesting to talk to: Use the short silent pauses in conversation to reflect on what others have said. Encourage them to elaborate on something you found interesting. Ask thoughtful follow-up questions. Nothing excites people more than talking about themselves.
- You’ll be a better listener: Let others have the floor. Everyone has a unique point of view about a topic. Everyone knows something you don’t. Expose yourself to these learning opportunities.
- You’ll make genuine friendships no matter your age: Use silence to read the room. Take a look around your group, and see if you’re vibing with them. Does it feel right being with this group of people? Would you rather binge watch Netflix than be here?
Awkward pauses are only awkward because you’re telling yourself they are. See these silent moments as opportunities to forge more and better connections.
Want more like this? Follow me on Medium.
